I sat at my work station Friday morning trying to find out what next is there for me to write. What chapter of my life am I in? and I couldn’t say because I have been stuck in the past for so long. I realize that even though everything is moving forward I find myself moving backwards every day of my life. For a second there I was uncertain of even who I am as an individual. I realize I can only move forward if I am able to finally stop allowing fear to hold me back.
I have been afraid of telling my story for a very long time, because at the time I felt like I had everything to lose but I have lost everything a long time ago in this world and receive the one thing I needed which was Jesus Christ. There has been something holding me back from giving my best and my all to him and that is my Past.
Today I will begin to open painful wounds. I remember it like yesterday and just remembering it I feel the tears forming in my eyes. The wicked and cruel act that almost cost me my life.
I was physically, sexually and mentally abuse when I was a child. I was living in fear of my life from I was 6 years old. This was not something I wanted to say out loud because it really hurts me to the core. I was practically still a baby when it happened, and it destroyed my childhood and teenage years. I am not at the level of healing to go into the details of my past, but I am at the place where I realize my secrets will not have control over me if they remain Hidden.
I remember going to school everyday has a child with this secret that I couldn’t tell because of the fear of losing my life, I have never seen and experience such cruelty in my entire life, such inhumane act at the time. Everyone tolerance of pain and hurt is different and as individuals we tend to deal with pain differently.
I dealt with my pain by internalizing it. I remember when the ordeal started I was always a quiet and reserved person but after everything I started to cry often, I hardly ate, I was always by myself and I always cried when I didn’t want to go anywhere with the predator, I never wanted to go home after school because I did feel safe there. I felt violated in so many ways. I cried every night going to sleep and fear consumed me everyday of my life. I felt like a prey hunted by a predator and silently each day I died inside. I remember when It was too much to hold I look to the sky with tears in my eyes and I said God if you will make this secret come to light then I would be grateful because I cannot take it longer.
I remember reaching at a point in my life where I was ready to die, it was too much, and I couldn’t take it any longer, I sat silently each day thinking the best way to die. I thought that if I died then it would all be over.
I remember one instant I was taken from my home and beaten mercilessly because I was fighting to not be abused and when I couldn’t take it any longer I pretended that I fainted but not even in death, that would not have stopped him from doing what He had sought out to do.
I remember the night I was about to commit murder, I went to bed with a knife under my pillow, I realize It was enough and I was at the point where I said either He is about to kill me, or I am going to kill him. I felt cold sweat washing me and fear crippled me, and the tears ran down my eyes as I lied hopeless and terrified of what was about to happen but somehow God knew that having blood on my hands would scar me for life and that prayer I prayed that night while I was standing outside under the stars with tears in my eyes and my heart came through. The truth was finally revealed.
I was hurt but relieved, embarrass and broken, I felt used, alone, I felt filthy and I was tired. When I went to that police station to give my account of what happened I could not even say some of the words. when they brought me to that hospital with so many nurses and doctors around me and the police officer all in one room I felt the tears run down my face, I wish death would have come but it was so far.
I knew I had to go back to school after that and I wondered how I would be looked at and how I would face my friends, I was never the same person. I was bitter, I was angry at everyone, I was always by myself, I did not love anyone, I did not care to love anyone. I felt rejected, cast aside like I had a disease, or I made it happen. I did not feel protected, I felt like though everyone wanted me to appear normal after that I could not.
I hated myself for something I did not do or had any control over, everything I did after that was a constant reminder that no one loved me, and I was angry with God for years. I asked him how He could love me and allow something so cruel to happen to me, I asked him why He allowed me to suffer so much pain.
I cried, and I ask God why me because I couldn’t understand why something so terrible had to happen to me. I was a good girl, I listened to everything my parents told me, so why me and I ask that question up until my adult life. I could not understand why? And that the person had no remorse.
For something to have happen so long I didn’t know it could affect me up to this day.
When you have nothing to lose you realize you do anything.
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