Have you ever felt like you did not have a place on the earth? Have you felt like you did not belong? because everything in your life, everything you touch and everything you try to achieve has ended in shambles ?You question your existence and your purpose and you even have the audacity to say that whatever you are going through is your purpose. I want you for a minute to change all those negative mindset and think about a world where you did not exist. Can someone else fulfil your purpose. No! only you can and I simply want to encourage someone that your latter shall be greater than your former.
A few years ago that was me. I was a teenager going through emotional turmoil, been abuse physically, mentally and emotionally I thought that was apart of my purpose, and this might sound bizarre but when you go through such an ordeal at an early age and you dont have a support system and no one to encourage you, you begin to think and feel that whatever you have been through it was suppose to happen.
Looking back I realized after the abuse my life changed for the worst . At such a tender age, I was just learning and understanding myself, I was growing into my personality and then all of a sudden things started happening that I did not understand and It became unbearable to a point where I accepted that this was what I was born to go through and It sounds really stupid but I was so overwhelmed and tired of bad things constantly happening I accepted that was my life.
There were days I was ready to give up and I ask God what crime did I commit that so many bad things had to happen to me? What did I do ?and there was a time when I felt like He was not hearing me and I think I even questioned His existence.
Forward to 2020, It was hard to open up about my past but I realized the more I spoke about it, the more comfortable I became with myself and It brought me to realization that I was internalizing a pain that needed to be healed. I was struggling with unforgiveness but also I was struggling to find my own self.
I needed people in my circle to survive. I could only survive from their love and their comments and the way they made me feel but immediately someone stepped out of my life I was right back at a place where I was suffering from depression, and suicidal thoughts. I felt that I could not do without persons and so I became attached to a point where persons were free to hurt me and insult me but my heart would not allow me to let them go because I needed them to survive.
I felt this way because, I never heard anyone say I love you, I never heard anyone tell me you are beautiful, I never heard I am proud of you, all I heard was your so stupid, you are a fool, you a handicap, face big, you can not even hold a conversation. So immediately anyone who allowed me to feel a little love and a little accepted I was drawn to them. They made me feel things I never felt before. A feeling of been alive, a feeling of acceptance. I felt love, I felt warmth and for just a while I felt truly like I belonged.
Today, I dont share my story because I want the world to know that I was hurt but I am encouraging someone that no matter what you have gone through or still going through one day your life will change for the better. Today I am healing and I am at a place in my life where I can look myself in the mirror and tell myself you are beautiful. My scars does not define me neither does my past. My past can only define me if I allow it to.
It’s time to get up and let go, stop blaming yourself for something you did not do. I was once a victim to circumstance but now I am a victor.
I am stronger and happier than I have ever been. I am not going to tell anyone that the road to reaching this point was easy, it has not been. It was paved with sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts and attempts, depression, anger, betrayal, mental and physical struggle, suffering, heartache and pain. It was filled with alot of pain but I know I am not at the beginning where I started but I know I am close to where I need to be.
I know now that things happen in life but it is not because God allowed it to happen it is because men decide to abuse their free will.
Today my heart is truly open to love because I finally learnt how to love my self.
So, if there is anytime you feel like your present situation is getting worst just remind yourself that “Your latter shall be greater than your former”.