The Silence, The hidden tears, the pain, the fake smiles. Telling myself it is ok that whatever I am going through for the last 15 years of my life that I will get through it. The sleepless nights have become worst, the headaches and the pains. My mind has known no rest, my entire being feels so stressed. I close my eyes and all I can think about are the what if’s. The moments I want to talk to someone/ anyone who would listen but deep down I know they won’t understand.
The unseen breaks that I take so I could cry away the pain I feel inside, the secret things that haunts me every single day I keep it wrapped up inside. Trying to cope with everything and been strong for everyone when deep down my life is dark and broken but everyone thinks I am ok and that I have it all together. The questions I ask myself that I can not find the answers to. Am I ok, why me? What am I? who am I? The guilt and the pain of letting everyone down.
The moments when no one is around, and you cry the ugly cry and then wipe away the tears as if nothing ever happened and you add the smile that everyone sees everyday but deep down you know your not ok.
All I am trying to say is I am hurting, I have been broken for a very long time and It has not gotten any better. I will cry today and smile tomorrow, I will be happy now but later I am plagued with sorrow.
In the nights as I lay down to sleep I wish in that moment I could at least find some peace, but I am haunted by things I can’t even explain.
I do not know how long I can keep the smiles going because I am just tired! And I feel like I want to let go and see what happens. I am broken and suffering, no one to trust without the judgement, no one to listen without a word, no one to hug me for awhile so I can sleep and feel safe. There is only me and past that is destroying me.